Sagittarius Rising ?

Last night, as I was watching television, I heard a slight knock at my door. With some trepidation, I opened the door, and what did I see? Mao Zedong. Yes, indeed, the deceased Chairman Mao. I was a bit surprised, thinking I was imagining this scenario. Still, seeing him in his uniform and remembering his photo from a book in my father’s study, I could not help but believe it was our very own Mao. I graciously asked him to come inside, but then saw a dark shadow lurk behind him. At this point, I was sure of my insanity, but Ch Mao assured me that this was his good old friend, Joseph Stalin. I felt my soul trying to leave my body, but Mao’s expression suggested that Stalin is here in good faith. I brought them both inside. As my guests made themselves comfortable, I put the kettle on to serve them some Jasmine Tea. Stalin took out his Vodka and started to drink.

Once I knew this was real and they were both sitting in my living room, I felt extreme anger towards Ezra’s sister, who declared me schizophrenic last year. I decided to settle my accounts with her once my guests departed.

Stalin finally broached the subject in his thick accent, “Do you know what date it is tomorrow? ”I had paid my rent this month, and Con-Ed’s account was also settled, so I was not sure what this was a reference to. Nevertheless, I replied and said shyly, “I believe it is the 9th of June” Stalin looked at me with great amazement, “So, you better tell daddy what you are hiding?” I was creeped out by him. Mao again nodded and suggested I comply. “I believe I am hiding my ******, although I am not sure really”, “No, bitch, that is not why we are here. You are hiding this” As he said this, he switched on the television, and I saw my entire life on the screen. From my parents conceiving me, my mother’s pregnancy, my birth, my first poop etc. I was slightly repulsed after seeing my own parents’ sexual intercourse. But, I got distracted by myself as a baby, how adorable I was. Since I am mostly only preoccupied with myself, I requested the film to be paused for a second and asked Stalin. “General, I am amazed by your intelligence operation; however, would you please mind telling me what was the time of my birth? It seems to me that I was born sometime between 11:30 am to 11:45 am, and you see, knowing my time of birth can make a huge difference in my love life. Currently, I was told by some unreliable sources, such as my mother, that it is 11:45 am, October 14th, a WEDNESDAY- the blessed day- which makes me a Capricorn rising, and Capricorn risings are having a hard Mars transit in their seventh house; however, if I were born at 11:30 am, I could be a Sagittarius rising and well EN is a Sag and Sag risings are having a brilliant time. So could you please rewind the spy film a bit back?”.

Disgusted by this intrusion, both men looked at each other and laughed out loud. “How about this?” Suddenly, the film was forwarded to February of some year, when I was shown desperately masturbating at 2 am to some dirty film. I was embarrassed, but seeing how beautiful it was, I began to touch myself inappropriately. At this point, Stalin got up and picked me up from my dining room chair and threw me on the study chair, which was an electric chair all this time, and I had not even noticed. I was given three electric shocks. As I was coming out of those shocks, dazed, I saw EN’s body and his hands trying to touch me. Stalin- glared at me, “ BITCH I CAN SEE INSIDE YOUR MIND, STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM”. “You have cameras inside my head?” I asked. I was so shocked at the advanced level of espionage, but also impressed at the same time. Mao remained quiet, grinning all this time from ear to ear. Stalin looked at me and said, “I think we are done for today, but remember, don’t try to hide your life from me”. I had to accept that this was a lost cause.

As they both approached the door, I reminded Stalin of my earlier question. “Sir,” I added for more respect, “Please can you tell me the exact time of my birth, my sister-in-law is an expert in these things, and I need her to do my chart, also she also does not believe me when I tell her you are real”. “A little more pain, my child, will bring back all your good and bad memories, just wait,” remarked Mao in his wise and authoritative manner. I felt hot urine running down the sides of my legs as they said GoodBye.